it’s been a while since I last posted in here, and I need to “vent”. to a blog. over the internet… what has this generation come to?! 1.) aches and pains are taking over my life these days. it’s been 3 years. i’m up to 25mg. it’s getting down to the wire & the withdrawals which is starting to affect my sleep. this is not good, especially since it’s the last month of school. i need to be focusing! studying! not complaining & laying in bed, kicking & screaming because i have horrible pains in my legs and waking up like a zombie because of it. so, i saw my doctor this morning. i’m going up on my dose again. great. at this rate, it’s going to take me another two years to get off this shit. but if this is how it’s going to be, then fine. i’d rather be safe than sorry…

2.) i’m getting bigger by the day. no, i’m not pregnant! but i am stuffing my face like i am! i’m pretty sure i gained about 20 pounds within the last year. it actually disgusts me. i eat, eat, eat without doing any exercise or any diet, eat any vegetables or fruits (except strawberries because they’re delicious)! so it’s obvious why i’m turning into a fat whale. but all i do is complain. where’s the motivation to actually do something about it? well, i finally started. i started trading in those 5 bags of chips i get at school & work throughout the day for apples and baby carrots with ranch or yogurt dressing. and guess what? it’s actually damn tasty! who would have that i’d say that? but let’s see if i actually keep this up. along with adding in some exercise (ugh). i envy all of you women who have the ability to jump on a treadmill and run for an hour without breaking a sweat or wake up at the crack of dawn to run two miles. that isn’t me, but i wish it was. because i need to lose the weight. so, by the new year i will lose 20 pounds! i will, i promise you!

I’m starting to feel more and more content as the days go by (not saying that I wasn’t content to begin with or anything, but sometimes I can feel pretty down without anything really going on to change my mood so drastically) and I’m starting to feel more secure about myself, my life, and people around me. something that I haven’t felt secure about in a while. my classes are going really great, even if my french professor is taking things way too fast in a french I course and I’ll probably start to suffer down the line (boo) and the fact that my art history professor stands up in front of the room and just lectures for three hours kills any interest I have for art history, but it’s all okay. I actually still enjoy all of it. all the ups and downs life hands me; the hard situations, the irritations, the tragedies, the falling downs and pick-me-ups is, well, part of life! and I’m lucky to have it all, once I really think about. I’m lucky to be in school, I’m lucky to live such a wonderful life compared to other people, I’m lucky to have such an amazing family and an incredible boyfriend. there’s just one thing I keep getting hung up on, one thing I keep struggling with: insecurities about myself (a big ONE THING, huh)? but that’s for another day… I’m not ruining my good mood by focusing on my insecurities today, nuh-uh.

I just came home from a morning class, work, and a three hour night class (literally just got home about a half hour ago) and I start to put my shit away starting with my macbook. I take my macbook out of its’ case, I lay it on my bed, and I put the case on the floor. but when I put the case on the floor, something small that looks like a crinkled up piece of paper falls out of it. I pick it up. I open it, thinking I’m going to find some cool note I accidentally left in there years ago or something. nah, I find an empty piece of a heroin wrapper with the words ‘FUCK M PLEA’ (assuming the stamp on that certain batch was supposed to read fuck me please) in red letters. for some reason, I remember throwing the wrapper in there years ago, whether I was trying to hide it or I just was throwing it away, I don’t know. but it’s fucking weird to come about shit like this throughout your day. especially after a long-ass day where in the past I would have used that shit after a long ass day like this…….you know? (no you don’t) but even so, after seeing it, I don’t feel the urge to do it. I mean, I don’t have a craving at least. well, currently. and anyway, I wouldn’t want to give up everything I have fought back for within the past three years of my life. no matter how many drug dreams I have, how much I reminiscence, and think about it at times, I wouldn’t dare put myself in those situations again. *girl scout’s honor* no, really. just ruins your life. takes away everything from you. *dramatic* so kids, don’t do drugs! it will destroy your life! and haunt you three years later when you’re coming home from a long day of work and school! tsk, tsk…

I know exactly what it’s like to be Elizabeth Wurtzel in Prozac Nation. I have never felt so connected to someone I have seen in a film before. I didn’t even like the damn movie. It just gave me fucking goose bumps. It made me fucking cry. It reminded me of my damn self; seventeen years old, living in my sweat and tears, contemplating suicide on a daily basis, literally losing my mind, actually thinking there was something wrong with me. I had no idea what was going on. but then… the constant therapy and the pills came along! oh, those pills. those pills that are supposed to make the pain, the hurt, the anger, the grief, the rage, the anxiety, the screams, the boys, the abuse go away. but instead, you turn into a different person. someone else you don’t recognize. someone who doesn’t feel, someone who can’t cry, who is more fucked up than the depressed bitch who was laying in bed day after night, week after week, month after month…

but guess what? that was 4 years ago. and this is today. and today I am still on those pills. except I’m neither of those persons I explained above. I’m another different person. I’ve grown into someone deeper, wiser, experienced, and definitely more complex. do I dare say I am… happy? I haven’t felt that rage in a very, very long time. I look back on other documents I have written on my laptop and I actually see the depression seeping out of the page. I feel my hurt and I almost can’t believe that was me. but I’m happy I went through it all. I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be… me.

definitely a shitty day for the first day of fall classes. it’s been raining cats & dogs since I woke up around 8:30 in the morning for my first and only class at 10:00, a film class which I’m pretty excited for. checked my college e-mail and found out that I have to read 38 pages for a history class on friday, plus my professor’s syllabus & monographs. fucking A. I’ve been stuck at work since 2:30pm so I’ve started to catch up on the 38-page reading, even if I barely understand it. thank you, ADD. I have a massive headache. I’m hungry. and I need to start going to the gym again. I’m turning into a giant, fat turd. all I do is fucking eat, sleep, read, and watch shit on my sister’s laptop. speaking of laptops, I need to buy a new macbook. $1,000. do I even have that kind of money? no, of course not, because I spend it all on cigarettes, food, drinks, kindle books, and clothes. how am I ever going to live on my own? I’m ranting about 100 things at once, going from one fucking thing to another fucking thing to another that no one cares about but myself. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to stop. I’m exhausted. and all I want to do is just type, type, type nonsense that comes into my brain. It actually makes me feel better. you should try it sometime if you ever feel like letting out some steam. no, really. I should probably stop writing this anyway, just in case anyone does read this… no one thinks I’m a legitimate idiot. oh wait, too late.

I can’t believe fall classes start tomorrow! I was ready for classes to start last week, but due to hurricane irene, they were extended a week until tomorrow. now I’m more nervous than I was before! and I have no clue why. I’ve been going to RVCC for almost two years now, in fact, I work there as well… so where is all of this nervousness coming from? I’ll just be happy once the first full week of school is over. it’s always so hard to get back into reality after a 4-month long break. FOUR-MONTHS-LONG. yikes… I’ll need all the luck I can get.

I’m going to start committing myself to a “blog” to write, or type, down my thoughts, feelings, opinions, whatever. I don’t really have anyone to talk to other than a couple of people, so I feel like this can really help me vent. it always was useful for me in the past, and I’m sure it will be useful for me now. it’s just commitment. commitment in anything. I have a hard time motivating myself to do anything, but I’ve come a long, far way from where I used to be. I’d like to say I’m doing pretty darn well! but I could be doing better in some aspects.

classes were supposed to start today but due to the hurricane it’s pushed back until next tuesday. I was actually looking forward to classes, even though I’m kind of nervous! nervous-excited? maybe. I have a lot going on this semester. It’s my first semester as a full-time student, I work 5 days a week at my school which is the first time in my life where I actually don’t mind my job at all even though I haven’t been there in 8 days because there’s absolutely nothing going on currently in the office, and I will be starting volunteer work at CONTACT crisis hotline. I’m pretty excited! just very nervous for a full load…

I don’t really have anything to vent about. I just wanted to update. have a fresh, new, first post going. I reread my past posts and they’re just so depressing. hopefully none of my future posts will be like that, ha ha…